gamo*phi parade

Look into my Crystal Ball

I was just told that I'd be a great adult film producer and that I'd be able to get anyone to star in my movies. I don't know what to do with this comment. It's probably one of the oddest quasi-compliments I've gotten.

It all started with me discussing how I hate the schmooze aspect of this job. I'm not a schmoozer. In fact, I'm anti-social. I don't like to meet new people...I'm exclusive, cold and uncomfortable around new faces, particularly in the business realm. I'm plain, simple and prejudiced and like to stick to my own kind. We got onto this topic because I agreed to meet someone for drinks after work. I know I should and I know it's good to get out there and meet people in other sides of the biz and make connections and learn and yada yada yada...but to be plain honest, I don't wanna! I hate the whole where do you work? Who do you work for? What do you do? And then comes my ultimate dreaded question, what do you want to do with your life? Ugh. Which brings us to the current topic...should I make adult films then? I mean, if one person has enough faith in me to say that I would make a great producer of these films, maybe I should go for it.

I know, I know. Meeting people for drinks and schmoozing really isn't all that bad. And I don't really hate people...well, most people anyhow. But what I really don't like is having to deal with people asking me what I want to do with my life. I am forever in limbo about what direction I should take my life. One day I'm telling myself "yeah, this is what I want. I want to make some really great movies, not any of that shit that is constantly being spun out." Then other days, I want nothing to do with this industry. Oh what to do, what to do. It's so obvious though. I mean, look at me. Just a month ago I was on my way to being an Olympic Table Tennis player. Three months ago I was going to be a hard core skater. Two weeks ago I wanted to play backup guitar (is there such thing? maybe I'm making up the position) for Lisa Loeb. I'm like a schizophrenic career achiever. What is my Tru Calling (anyone ever watch that show? how is that still on the air and not Wonderfalls? Bushit I tell you, Bushit.)? Even my writing is schizophrenic. I can't complete one thought without bringing up another. Do yall think I'm schizophrenic? What if I am? What if my hearing loss is just a symptom of it? Oh no! I just know it. I'm going to be 60 years old and still wondering what to do with my life. I wish someone could just tell me. It'd be so much easier than me figuring it out.

Oh it's ON now...

Office etiquette…it’s a bitch…especially when you share office space with folks who have no sense for it. Everytime I place a drink in the fridge, it's gone when I go back for it. It's like there's a troll hiding in the pantry, watching me as I try to hide the drink...and as soon as I step foot outside that door, he's right there to snatch it and drink it. What the fuzz man?! Now, I admit this is really not that big of a faux pas (it's a Boise bev, not a Paula Deen homemade sandwich)...that it could be much worse...but really now, if it happened to you every-single-time...you'd be frustrated too.

I once worked in an office where if you put anything...and I mean ANYTHING in the fridge...you could pretty much bet that it would be gone. These people were the worst fridge-sharers ever! I once had a soda in there...not just your average coke-soda, but a diet-hansens-you-don't-really-enjoy-it-yet-you-still-drink-it soda...and some fool drank it! Even worse, he (when searching for a suspect, it's always assumed a "he") only drank half of it and left the other half in the fridge! I was appalled! Flabbergasted! Those were the same folks that took half your sandwich if they saw it was cut down the middle. Talk about rude. Who raised these people!

Today, my bev was only there for a little over an hour, and poof! It was gone. I'm a little bummed because I hadn't been paying attention to who had passed by. He probably walked right past me, drinking it! I'm convinced it was the pisser...he's always rummaging through that fridge. In that case, he can have it. Gross.

Oops, I did it again!

I think I'm addicted. I'm always looking for new addictions and I think this time around it's cutting m' hair. It just keeps gettin' shorter and shorter. I didn't set out to go this short, but I love it! I just wanna keep running my fingers through it. It's so much fun! Hip hop hooray for T at U Salon. Huzzah!

gamo*phi Perspectives

Please welcome my first guest writer...

ENLIST
by Andrew Dodge

Just one generation ago, we as Americans came upon a divide in the road. How did we want to change? What did we want to do about the problems we faced? Women’s rights. Civil Rights. Viet Nam. The Cold War. Some saw it as a hippie movement. But that was only the provocative face of the times. In reality, the choice of change was upon America, and every citizen was forced to take a side.

Now, sadly, we have all come across another divide in our path to the future. Gay rights. Terrorism. Stem cell research. Iraq. And once again every citizen will be forced to take a side.

But the conditions are different. Corporations dominate the flow of news coverage. “Spin” is no longer a Washington insider term. A minority is defining “Family Values”, while dishonesty is being taught as something to overlook in our leaders.

To say that a “culture war” is taking place may sound quite titillating. As well as it suggests our daily battles are as dangerous as the actual fighting taking place - where our people are really dying. But we are indeed fighting battles. And we all are participating.

Whether we choose to go AWOL or not is up to us.

Let’s not. Imagine if every American voted. Do you think political actions would be conducted with such recklessness?

I don’t.

Do you think that American blood would be spilled so easily for a “Cause de Jeur” instead of vanquishing a growing international culture of hate?

I don’t.

Do you think we would have leaders that actually respect those that sacrifice their lives so unquestioningly by attending military funerals?

I do.

So, in a way, I have enlisted myself. I will fight the daily battles. I will do my part to make sure that America makes the right choices.

And the first shot that I am going to volley over the bow of the conservative right is to vote.

So now I wear a dog tag to remind me every day. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE.

I urge everyone to enlist. Get your dog tag. Identify yourself.

Otherwise, one day, many of us will be wearing real dog tags for reasons we never even paid enough attention to be able to articulate.

Andrew Dodge is a cool guy I work with. He is as addicted to online shopping as I am. In his spare time he likes to collect ants for his daughter Charlie, slurp salted tomato juice and tell people to vote.

The Best Damn Music Show Ever

All the stops were pulled Tuesday night at the Largo for Jill Sobule's Record Release Party. I can honestly say hands-down that this was the best show I've ever been to. I ♥ Jill Sobule...you all know this. I can't go a month without mentioning her here.

She had some special guests come up and sing some songs from her latest album, Underdog Victorious. Robin Eaton sang one of my favorite songs on the new record, Nothing Natural. Her hairdresser, along with his seemingly newly assembled group, Posey Manufacturing, did their own version of Last Line. Backed by electronica/dance beats, they shined a whole new light onto Jill's song...with flashy lights and tassled nipple covers...aha! They were quite the crowd pleasers. Harry Shearer and his wife Judy also were on stage, doing their rendition of Heroes. Judy played piano and let me say this...when she started singing, I think the whole room became mesmerized by her. She has the most soothing and beautiful voice...she was nothing but grace. It was a treat having the two of them on stage; I guess we can forgive them for pronouncing her name Jill Sobul-é.

Later in the show Jon Brion joined Jill on stage, accompanying her on piano for songs like Houdini's Box, Bitter and Cinnamon Park. But it didn't stop there. Then she brought Lisa Loeb(!)* up to the stage and they sang a few songs together including Simon & Garfunkel's America. I LOVE Lisa Loeb! Jill was her usual spastic self, breaking out into guitar riffs and solos and even starting a conga line in the crowd. She brought up audience members to sing with her and tried to play a message from Ted Kennedy from her mobile. She always puts on a great concert. Jill Sobule AND Lisa Loeb AND Jon Brion? This was the best show EVER!

* Funny story...Before the show, Rich and Erin were teasing me about how Lisa Loeb and I are like best friends now...ever since I saw her at Barnes & Noble. Rich talked about how great that photo was that we took and carried on about it. Later during the show I was looking at this woman (I know) sitting at the table next to us. I was thinking...she's really pretty...she kinda looks like Lisa Loeb...but no, why would she be here?...that's not her. Um, yeah. I hope she didn't hear us earlier. Doh!

(shaking my head)

This week's Passions quote is....

"Whitney, you're my sister and my lover. We can work past this."

Are Uhmericans that LAZY?

Did you know that 50% of Uhmericans don't wash their hands after going to the restroom? Yeah...they're called men.

I just got an inside tip that someone here in this office was brushing his teeth and pissing at the same time. As comfortable as the word is, I use the word piss because let's face it...guys don't pee, they piss. Now, I can be somewhat understanding about peeing and brushing at the same time...it's all aboot time management. However, I was not aware until today that urinals are not the best invention ever. Apparently there is splashage. Gross #1. It's different for girls. It's in the pot. It's all under there. No spillage. But you know, when I do do this, I always wash my hands afterwards. I'm really careful that once there is contact with my hands...I don't continue brushing. I finish my business and wash my hands. Then, I continue brushing. I think it's fair to say that's not so gross. However, this man here...he was brushing with one hand and pissing with the other. When he was done, he did not wash his hands. Gross #2. Even worse, he used the thumb of his pissing hand to brush off the left over toothpaste from his toothbrush...eeeewww! Gross #3. I think I'm going to barf. I cannot look at this guy in the same way. It's disgusting. EVERYONE needs to wash their hands after using the restroom. I don't understand how some people, especially men, can think that it's ok...that it's just a part of them...no different than an arm or whatever. YOU'RE WRONG. That stuff's dirty! I keep thinking about this man though. He's the same guy who is always rummaging through the refrigerador. I'm never using that fridge again.

Vegas in 26 Hours

This weekend, Blake, Steph, and I set off for Vegas with one thing in mind...Blake IS the next American Idol. We arrived at about 3am early Sunday morning and were a little less than excited to learn we were within the last 50 of aboot...yeah...8,000.

So we were finally settled in our waiting seats at aboot 5am. It was so cold in The Orleans Arena and we were all soo tired. The actual auditions did not even start until 8 am. We were in for a loooong day.

It wasn't until aboot 11:30am that we realized we didn't have to freeze our asses off in that arena and bore ourselves to death. So we blew that joint and headed off to Paris...aww yeah.

We had a yummy veggie crepe (or crap as Blake would call it) and a much needed strawberry daiquiri at Le Petit Bar. I made friends with the bartender and he told me the secret to his special daiquiri...AND he gave me a free drink! Things were looking up and we weren't so tired anymore.

I saw this billboard last weekend when I was in Sin City, but was not able to photograph it. I wasn't going to let that opportunity pass me by again. Where can I get a shirt with this on it?

After being flaneurs for 3 hours, we thought it was time we return to the sound shrieking arena. We didn't want Blake to miss his audition. Nor, did we wanna miss out on any more people singing damn Whitney Houston songs or "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" or "Natural Woman". We just couldn't get enough of those ones...no, not at all. Plus, it was getting too hot to handle.

It being 3 hours later, we thought the line would have been a lot shorter, but no. Everyone was still there! It was like watching water boil. And once again we froze to death and did all we could to catch a little shut eye in the most uncomfortable seats EVER.

Finally at around 6pm, 19.5 hours later, Blake was up. He was adorable in his pink polo. He sang Edwin McCain's "I'll Be" and smiled his whole way through it, that smirky charming smile of his. But the judges were prudes and were not giving it up...to anybody. So the wristband was cut off and we headed home.

It's okay though. Blake is gonna be BIG one day, no matter what. I just know it. He's so money...and he doesn't even know it. American Idol would have been lucky to have him in the show, but they'll just have to deal with missing out.

Three cheers for the Red, White & Blue

This is what happens when you leave your phone with a friend.

Oh how I DO miss them...

I hate forwards. I really do. But once in a pink moon, one will slip by that just makes my day...

NBC News commentators comments during the 24 Summer Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

IMA Sponsor

For those of you who do not know...let me tell you now: I once was enrolled in IMA. Yeah, yeah, I know. You're thinking, "What? When? How?" Well, I wasn't always the connoisseur I am now. I first started all frazzled and scattered, but I'm much better now...thanks to IMA and their 31.5 step program. I do the controlling now, instead of allowing it to control me. IMA changed my life...for the best. I owe what I am now, who I am now, to IMA. That's why I, myself, have become a sponsor. I want to help others through what I went through. I just hope I can be as supportive and inspiring to others as Edgeoftheledge has been to me. I used to let myself get stressed. I would get caught up in the heat of the moment...too much going on at one time...and I would just go crazy. Edgeoftheledge helped me manage my stress, manage my temper...multitask. He let me know it was okay to let things go sometimes. I didn't always have to be there. "Just do what you can, Mollie," he would tell me. And you know...he was right. IM does not have to be a difficult thing. It doesn't have to control my life. Just because I'm online doesn't necessarily mean I'm sitting in front of my computer. If someone IMs me and I don't respond, I'm probably not there. I will respond when I can. People who get frustrated at people like me need to just build a bridge and get over it. IM does not need to be drama. It can be fun, and playful, and....fun! Edgeoftheledge has helped me find the playfulness in IM that I originally enjoyed when I was just an IM novice. If you find yourself drowning in windows and imrcv sounds, you should look into IMA...it just might save you too.

Bigger than the ball in Times Square

Countdown to JJ's return to Uh-merica...

7 DAYS!!!!!

Surges of Inappropriate Laughter

This really is a problem of mine. I was just told that someone here was married before. His ex-wife had a faux-leg...and I laughed. Doh!

Hmmm...