This new year I haven't experienced the "fresh start oomph." I've been really down this holiday season and am not looking forward to 2005 at all. I've been cynical, pessimistic, and moody as shit. Usually this time of year, people are scrounging around making New Years Resolutions...listing them, getting pumped for them, breaking them. I haven't done any of that. I didn't really know what the cause of my apathy was. I thought, maybe it's because I've been sick (shut up, it's not because I'm a veg) and I'm never in a good mood when I'm sick...but I was thinking that was a bit of a cop-out excuse.
Well, today I was having lunch with Rasheed and it dawned at me why I've been feeling this way. Usually people are excited for the new year because they want to forget/move on from the previous year. They want that fresh start. They want to do things right...get their new, revived life started. Sometimes that involves an ex, a new job, a new attitude. They're excited about something in their life. And then Boom. There it was. That's exactly it. I simply am just not excited for this year. I have no New Years Resolutions (I'd just break them). I have nothing exciting and new to look forward to this year. Now...wait, wait, wait...it's not really as pathetic as it sounds. It's really just because I'm at a point in my life where I feel as though I am at a standstill. I don't really know what I'm doing. For so long now, I've just been going with the flow and enjoying life as it came to me. But I feel as though I've been riding this wave for too long now. I think it's time for me to move forward...but I don't really know what that means. I don't know where or what I want to move forward to. I just need to get my act together. This is all relating to me not wanting to turn a year older. I don't want to be this old, I don't want to be this old and still not know what I want to do with my life. I don't want it to be 2005. I don't want time to keep moving like it has. What happened to 2004? Where did it go? Last year felt like a flash of lightning. I don't want time to move forward. I want it to stay where it is...at least until I can figure out what to do...otherwise I feel like I'm just wasting my time. Damn. A little less pathetic, right? But maybe a little more sad...this is why I've been booing 2005.
Posted by Mollie Gamo at January 5, 2005 03:12 PM | TrackBackHi.
I peeked because I found you on friendster and you linked to your blog. I like the way you put your words together.
The thing is... I am in LA for some time, not too long, but I don't know any other queer kids with similar politics to mine. That's somehow important to me, seeing how I am a women's studies major and try to live by the texts I read.
my LJ is "friends" protected for the most part, but you can see the profile easy.
Maya.